Portrait of Perpetual Perplexity

    How I came to try this book was because I'm a big fan of The Tapping Solution app (consisting of Emotional Freedom Technique) and the creators incorporated ideas & affirmations from this author.
    So I therefore thought this book might be worth trying out.  I was wrong.

    For me, you see, it comes across as far too Christian.  I've a large degree of Christianity 'baggage' and it makes me very resistant to content which speaks of Christian ideas.
    So phrases such as "I am one with the very Power which created me" (as an affirmation), "The Universal Power Never Judges or Criticizes Us" and "knowing there is only One Intelligence in this Universe" just really put me off.

    I'm also very contrary, so I really resent assertions such as: "we are all 100% responsible for everything in our lives".
    These factors put me in a not-very-receptive frame of mind leafing through the book and starting in on chapter one.

    I even found myself annotating in the margins: "Is this a self help book?"; as the author states that we all have: "foolish, outmoded, negative ideas".
    The point is a valid one, but I felt it wasn't very sympathetically expressed, given that the author is meant to be this fount of compassion.

    The author also made some sweeping claims with no substantiation or evidence, such as: "All Disease Comes From a State of Unforgiveness" and "Resentment that is long held can eat away at the body and become the disease we call cancer" and "Criticism that is long held can often lead to arthritis in the body".
    I'm aware that research does in fact continue to affirm the theory of the mind-body connection, but the author cites none of this in this chapter of the book.
    Anecdotal evidence is still evidence, I guess, but the sample size is likely statistically insignificant - and none of the author's own research (if any were undertaken) is presented, not even as case study, in this first chapter.
    So it had me thinking, where's the evidence for these very specific observations?  There are reading recommendations at the back of the book, but there's no bibliography of sources from an evidentiary perspective.

    "I have found that forgiving and releasing resentment will dissolve even cancer."
    I'm sorry, no, that's potentially harmful advice in my view.

    Then there's the bit about how we all choose our own parents and when/how we get born i.e. we pick our own lives & circumstances.
    You want to tell readers who might have been through some really horrific things that they picked that life at their moment of conception?  No.  Just doesn't mesh with my own beliefs, and provokes irritation in me.
    So I hadn't even finished chapter 1 and I'm so resistant to the ideas being presented in this book.  I felt I had to continue reading, though, in order to write this book review.

    Chapter 2 began with lists of concerns the author's client's had presented to her during her practice.  Four paragraphs of same.  A page and a half, almost.
    For me, for a self-help book, that's too much dwelling on the negative.  I guess it might work for some readers, who maybe need to read through that stuff to identify with why the book could be helpful.

    I couldn't keep reading the book, not even to provide a full book review.  (In fact, I couldn't even gift it to someone or give it away 2nd hand.  I dismantled it to use as junk-journaling fodder.)

    So this isn't really a book review, it's a chapter and a half review.  Sorry.  But I just couldn't keep putting that stuff into my mind.

    In summary, you might get on better with this title than I if, say, you don't mind stuff with a bit of a Christian flavour and which isn't terribly science-backed.  If, say, you'd just like a few affirmations in print (actually, it that's what you want then you might want her other title Trust Life.
    But otherwise, I feel there are likely more helpful titles out there.  For example:  Why has Nobody Told Me This Before? by Dr Julie Smith, for one.

         I began the diary below of the lead up to the first Covid-19 lockdown of 2020 with the original intention of hand-writing it out on a toilet roll or rolls as a joke, later.  But I stopped keeping the diary in mid-April (when the sudden death of one of our beloved cats took all of the wind out of my sails, and firmly put my mind in another space for quite some time💔).
         I didn't feel like picking this up again later, but thought I'd share what I'd written up to that point, here.
         It seems a good time for this, as we're one year on, the roll-out of the vaccine's underway and our freedom from lockdowns is anticipated here in the summer (we hope).

         (Note: if TL;DR for you, please skip to the final 3 and a little bit paragraphs.) 

🖉 January 2020

         In late 2019/early 2020, a cluster of pneumonia cases of unknown cause in China became known to the World Health Organisation.  At that time there had been no deaths.  By half way through January, this was becoming widely known as the 'novel coronavirus' and there was at least one death from the virus being reported in the media.

         As I understand it, the reason the virus would turn out to be so virulent and dangerous is that it was one which was transmitted from wildlife to humankind for the first time at this time, and as such the human immune system was totally unfamiliar with it; our systems didn’t even know to react to it as an intruder, let alone have any immunity or antibodies it could readily deploy against it.

         Although there was still talk around this time about containment of the virus outbreak, the first case of the novel coronavirus outside of China was confirmed on 13 January 2020 (in Thailand, and Japan & South Korea also confirmed cases at around this time).

         The first confirmed case of the virus in the USA was in mid-late January (on around the 21st) in Washington State.  The man was in his 30s, but had returned from a trip to Wuhan in China.

         The risk level from Public Health England was raised from very low, to low in mid-late January[i].

         By the end of January, it was known that the novel coronavirus was a global threat to human health, numbers of cases in China having risen by thousands; the WHO declared a global health emergency and the UK raised the risk from low to moderate[w].  There had been over two hundred deaths from the virus, and there were now just shy of ten thousand cases worldwide.

         The population of Wuhan (over 11 million) was cut off by Chinese authorities with forms of transit being cancelled.  In the region of 100,00 had already departed from the train station alone.

         The first patients in the UK tested positive around this time; on February 2nd the first death outside of China from the virus was reported, a 44 year old man in the Philippines.

         The virus was named COVID-19 on 11 February 2020 by WHO.  The following day the UN activated the WHO-led Crisis Management Team.  The death toll in China had reached in excess of a thousand, and there were almost forty five thousand cases there (with nearly four hundred in the rest ot the world).  New regulations began to be announced, granting new powers to authorities in relation to the containment of the virus.

         Things began to move quite quickly here in the UK, or at least it started to seem that way.  One morning on the way to work I noticed a headline on someone else's newspaper indicating there were 4 cases here; by the afternoon colleagues in the office were speaking about there being 8 or 9.  I recall feeling the first stab of anxiety, but then I recalled that those cases were further north, not down here in the South and I so managed to assuage my own burgeoning fears for a while.

February 2020

        I'm not someone who watches the news or reads the paper, not even the free one on the train, not even if I've forgotten both a book and my phone -- not for some years; I banned myself for the sake of my mental health as I find it too depressing.  I tend to get my news from overheard conversations of colleagues at work (and if I'm interested in a topic I'll look it up online to find out more).

          But quite a bit of Covid-19 talk had evidently filtered through into my consciousness despite this.  Because on 14 February I attended a Climate Strike & contracted a common cold and in a few days, when the cold had turned itself from a tickly cough to a chesty one, it dawned on me that, if by chance I HAD been exposed to Covid-19, I'd been attending work for several days and potentially exposing my colleagues there to it.  So I called 111, who put me thru to Public Health England.  I needed to be reassured that I couldn't have exposed my colleagues (at least one of whom is a very poorly person at the best of times) and subsequently our clients to this thing.  I'd known it was fairly unlikely, but there were dozens and dozens of people at the strike, and I'd no way of knowing whether any of them had returned from travelling.
         On top of that, I'd participated in a litter pick in the park at the close of the strike, handling equipment which had been in who knew whose hands, and stirring up items of litter dropped by, again, who knew who.  And on top of THAT, I'd gone for coffee with a handful of other climate strikers I'd met that day and when one of them was served my mocha in error I wasn't able to catch her up at the table with her hot chocolate in time to prevent her from taking a large sip of my drink.  I'd spun the cup around before drinking my mocha from the other side of it, of course, but still...

         Public Health England reassured me; I just had a cold.  And I recall passing on that reassurance to others I spoke to about it.

         By 17 February 2020 the WHO issued guidance, based on lessons from H1N1 and Ebola, around mass gathering and travellers who were ill with the virus (or suspected of having been exposed to the virus).  Terms such as self-isolation began to become commonplace.  The authorities seemed to be carefully avoiding the term quarantine.

         By 21 February 2020 WHO was warning that the window of opportunity to contain the virus was shrinking.  However, it appears to have been thought that the likely location for the spread of the virus would be Africa, as 11,000 African health workers had been trained up on Covid-19 over the preceding month.

         In late February, it was revealed that transmission of the virus had taken place here in the UK, it was no longer contained among only people who'd recently returned from travelling overseas.

         For some time I kept telling myself there was nothing to worry about -- okay, there were cases of the virus here in the UK now, but they'd started somewhere up north, so it was alright.  Okay, there's a confirmed case in the next county over, but that's still not that close, so it's alright.  Okay, so there's a case in Hampshire now, but Hampshire's a fairly big place, it'll be alright.

         I had a wobble when I learned there was a case at a 6th form college, about a ten minute walk from my work place (and, in fact, it was my friend's workplace -- my friend who'd been giving me lifts to and from work for a good chunk of the preceding couple of weeks).  But somehow I managed to stick my head in the proverbial sand, even despite the first death from the virus here in England, which was quickly followed by four more.

         I wanted to believe the message the government was putting out, that this thing was mostly only a threat to the very old, or those with pre-existing lung health conditions -- why wouldn’t I want to believe that?

Early-mid March 2020

         On 11 March the seriousness of the threat of this outbreak really hit me; I came across a few YouTube items late that evening, immediately prior to retiring.  And made the mistake of watching one or two of them.  Prior to this I'd been going about life as per usual and hoping for the best.  Overnight 11 March into 12 March I had terrible insomnia (worse than usual), ruminating incessantly about coronavirus and the possibility of dying from it, or family and friends -- I can't even write the words.  Coincidentally, 11 March was the day it was officially announced as a pandemic, though I didn't find this out until later.

         Life was changing.  People were wearing face masks to go out, the streets were emptying of people but filling up with litter; there was sensationalist reporting of ice rinks being used as make-shift morgues and images of emboldened wildlife encroaching into cities (though these latter may've later been debunked, I believe).

         It began to feel like something out of some apocalyptic sci-fi movie, like Twelve Monkeys or something.

         I managed to get a grip on the anxiety for a while at least, and when my swimming buddy advised me on the evening of the 12th that chlorine neutralises the virus I was persuaded to go for what would turn out to be our last swim for some time.

         Another friend and I later went ahead with a planned trip to Avebury on Saturday 14 March, too, though various of the museums were understaffed and therefore closed at the time.  I felt a little guilty going to Avebury, like we shouldn't be out in public for fear of spreading the virus unknowingly.  But I also knew it could be the last chance of an outing for some time (and apart from our cup of tea in the pub before setting off home, we kept our distance from others quite successfully - we would have in the pub, too, but for my friend's lost earring back and the overzealous gent who stepped in to try to help us find it).

         In the week commencing 16 March they began making preparations for us to work from home, much to my relief.  I concentrated my efforts on getting as much finished up in the office as possible to facilitate digital working from home.  I worked a few late evenings during this week, but doing so helped me to put my anxiety onto the backburner.  I heard about the panic buying and stock-piling which was taking place amongst sections of the populace.  I confined myself, initially, to buying one or two additional dry items each time I was in a shop, and a single carton of UHT milk.

         At some point my anxiety resurged, and this time I spent a couple of days all but convinced it was the end of civilisation.  I placed an online order for nearly £200 worth of groceries, almost three times what we'd normally spend (though we later reduced this down to just over £100 worth, prior to delivery).  I started small scale 'prep-ing'; refilling 5 litre water bottles from the tap & storing them, placing an order for vacuum packed meals which last 6 months in the cupboard.  Locking the door earlier, and being choosy which windows were opened for fresh air in the day.  Tying my hair up out anyone's reach when I went outdoors, even just to the bins or to put the milk-bottles out.  Learned a recipe for making oat milk out of oats.  I was spending money recklessly, too, as though it was no longer any point having any savings because there might not be an opportunity to enjoy or make use of them.  (Well, this was spending recklessly for me, anyways.)

         On Thursday 19 March I had my last regular train commute home from work for the duration of the lockdown; staying late at work was actually a good move, as it meant the late train home was far less crowded and it was easier to keep the recommended 2 metres distant from others.  On Friday 20 March I spent at least four fifths of my day standing at the scanner to ensure I had everything available digitally, and yet I still had a ream of paper to carry home in the briefcase.  The knuckles on my left hand bled, today, from the damage of repeated hand washing and being too busy to apply any soothing lotion.

         The atmosphere in the office became borderline hysterical.  The noise of coronavirus chatter was incessant, I literally felt I couldn't hear myself think.  Colleagues returned from lunch breaks with reports of what felt like a rapidly deteriorating situation.  One said there was no soap to be bought anywhere in the town (though I later found that out to be an exaggeration, when the shop right next to our office still had two packs on the shelves).  Another said there was no feminine sanitary protection, and she was outraged.  A third reported there'd been a "run on the cash machines", and this was the one that really chilled me to my bones as that felt like the kind of activity which can precipitate financial (and hence social?) collapse.

         My final journey home from work the afternoon of 20 March was surreal, though my friend gave me a lift as was quite usual for a Friday.  I had my usual rucksack style handbag, the briefcase stuffed into another larger backpack and a shopping bad (oh and a pot plant).  I tightly knotted my hair up on my head and had my attack alarm at the ready, having seen headlines reporting there'd been muggings over toilet rolls.  I arrived earlier than my friend at our meeting place, and waited anxiously for her without daring to have my phone in my hand to pass the time with a puzzle game.  Getting home and especially knowing I wouldn't have to journey to work again in the foreseeable future was very much a relief.

Late March-early April

         It was my first day working from home on Monday 23 March.  Took a little while to sort out the tech issues logging on to work systems from my own PC, despite having tested everything out the previous week, but could have been worse.  Fewer interruptions from phone calls, but inundated by email messages.  I wonder if this is how it's going to be throughout lockdown.

         I'm not sure how I managed to have office drama despite not being in the office!  There's a dispute about whether an SMS text message circulating around is genuinely from the goverment or if it's a scam.

         Happily, my friend was prepared to defy the rules just a little and meet up out on the garden wall for a cup of tea (brought from our own homes, each) and a chat.  It was strange to sit there, feeling furtive, glancing at every passing car in case it was a police car and every passing pedestrian in case it was a beat copper (not that any of those generally venture into our area even in ordinary circumstances).

         I can't recall exactly when it went from from a suggestion to stay home to an instruction to stay home, but for me it came as a huge relief that I wasn't going to be expected to return to commuting to the office by train again anytime soon.

         We'd been expecting it, but were nevertheless disappointed when we heard that the comicon we had tickets for in mid-May was cancelled, especially my husband.  We'll get a refund, and we hadn't actually got as far as booking the hotel room yet so there's only the one reimbursement to look out for.  But last year's had been our first of this sort, and we'd been really looking forward to going again and getting more involved in that social circle.  Can't be helped, of course, but yet another example of how the year 2020 has been put totally on hold by this thing.

         27 March -- Prime Minister Boris Johnson confirmed to have tested positive, apparently.  And him with, apparently, a pregnant girlfriend, from what I understand from colleagues.

         Saturday 28 March -- I went over the road to feed the semi-stray cat (my first excursion outdoors, other than the front garden, since quarantine).  I felt a distinct sense of anxiety when another pedestrian passed by on the pavement, despite their having a face covering on, and me being stood in the gutter.  They were the only other person I saw out there, though, in something like the space of a half hour I'd guess.  Later I participated in quarantine karaoke via Discord software.  I sang Big Yellow Taxi and Pink Floyd's On the Turning Away (because I can never miss an oppurtinity to try to convey my environmental message and some social commentary) and then later I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor.

         I realised we'd missed Mothering Sunday, and hadn't sent my Mum so much as a card, so I adopted a tiger for her via WWF.  It'll be a week or so before her welcome pack arrives with her.  I hope it makes up somewhat for forgetting about her.  I'll give her a call, too, and let her and Dad know that I love them - something I don't say nearly often enough.

           Wednesday 1 April -- today I ventured out of home, proper, for the first time since lockdown started.  I took annual leave this afternoon and about 3pm I ventured to the pharmacy.  There were possibly fewer people on the way up the road; but once on the main drag, you'd barely have known there was anything different about today compared with any other day.  It was difficult to keep the prescribed 2 meters away from people -- numerous times I had to step into the road just to do so.  I didn't feel compelled to shower when I got back indoors today, though, so I guess that's progress on the anxiety front.

         Thursday 2 April -- spent almost all day (or so it seemed) on the phone with the doctors surgery and both Boots online and the local branch, trying to get my husband's prescription sorted due to a series of mix ups (unconnected from coronavirus, but I didn't need it on top of everything).

         Friday 3 April -- back to the pharmacy again and to Superdrug to restock the hand sanitiser (2 bottles max. per customer).  Proper social distancing this time thank goodness, with queuing outside of each shop before being allowed to enter.  I didn't venture to the supermarket, and I'm glad I didn't need to because the queue outside went all the way down the road (with 2 metres between each person).  I'm pretty sure I've developed a new cough, but I'm not sure it qualifies as 'continuous'.  Could be psychosomatic knowing me, too.

         Saturday 4 April -- we slept in late.  I think I must have bordered on burning myself out by working such long hours this past couple of weeks, as today I was as tired as ever despite no commuting latterly.

         Quarantine karaoke once again this evening, though, with a theme of 'Hope'.  I sang On Top of the World by the Carpenters (and then Leave Me Alone by P!ink -- less of a hopeful number, but a catchy melody and a very bouncy tempo).

         Sunday -- BoJo admitted to hospital, I heard.  I wonder if he'll pull through.  I dislike the man's politics, but I don't wish him any ill-will, and am kind of shocked by those of my friends who do.  Also, I'm not sure it'd do the left any good if he were to die, as there's a danger he becomes some sort of martyr for the right.

         Monday 6 April -- felt better today, and had quite a productive day of work.  I don't know why the one care agency decided to leave it until they were down to their last incontinence wipe for the clients' before notifying us they needed restocked.  It seems as though we're each going to be issued with our own corporate purchasing cards for just such situations, although finding retailers which actually have stock and are taking orders is another challenge.

         Tuesday 7 April -- corporate purchasing card arrived.  Also, travel 'papers', permitting me to travel to the office as a 'key-worker' (a letter from work to show to the police if I'm stopped at any point).  It feels a bit like war-torn Europe or something, having to have and show papers to travel.  I know that's not so, because I'm obviously not at risk of coming under heavy fire; but you can't help the thought from passing through your mind all the same.

         Wednesday 8 April -- we received at work the first report of one of our clients having passed away from Covid-19, in intensive care.  Not someone I knew personally, but still sad - and, one can't help but feel that this could be the first of many.

         Apparently, we know at least five people with the virus because not only do two people from work seem to have it but my father-in-law and sister-in-law also believe they have or have had it and someone from our circle of friends believes they've had it (although, that may've been a cold).  I'm grateful I can work from home, and have yet to need to venture into the office for anything.  I'm even more grateful that I'm on my full pay, and not furloughed.  I worry about the economy, though.  We've had years and years of austerity and you just know they're going to do it again, after this.  Even though public services cannot take it, and neither can the most vulnerable members of the public.  🖉

         The diary ended here, with the above paragraph, in terms of full entries, rather than just scrappy notes.  It's long, and not that eventful I guess.  I'm lucky enough not to have been infected with the virus or had to struggle to manage on 80% of my salary or had to remain isolated at home alone.  Nor anything catastrophic.  My heart goes out to all those people who've been in that position over the past year, and to the bereaved.

         Happily, one of the things I'm glad to have learned out of this whole experience is that civilisation isn't quite as fragile as horror films and disaster movies would have us believe.  The crisis wasn't handled well by most governments around the world (and it's highlighted a lot of inequality, which it's probably high time was spotlighted).  But, we've yet to collapse into complete societal breakdown to date.

         And whilst I'm steeling myself for a great deal of demonstrating and protesting the next wave of austerity the government are sure to impose (it's already known that we, in public services, are having our pay frozen), we do at least have a few things which we can look forward to in the not-too-distant future.  Things such as meals out with family (and if I'm lucky, and maybe if I volunteer to help make it happen, Pagan Pride in the summer).

         I hope this post was of some interest to someone, somewhere.

(Sources:
~ British Foreign Policy Group
https://bfpg.co.uk/2020/03/covid-19-timeline/
~ [i]The Independent Coronavirus: A timeline of how Britain went from ‘low risk’ to an unprecedented national shutdown.
https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/coronavirus-uk-timeline-deaths-cases-covid-19-nhs-social-distancing-a9416331.html
~ [w]Wikipedia 2020 coronavirus pandemic in the United Kingdom
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2020_coronavirus_pandemic_in_the_United_Kingdom
~ World Health Organisation
https://www.who.int/emergencies/diseases/novel-coronavirus-2019/events-as-they-happen)

[Content note: I briefly talk about menstruation in this post]

        I've been an insomnia sufferer all my adult life.  I'd love to make some reflections about how I've had some really insightful ideas occur to me in the middle of sleepless nights, but that's nothing more than some wishful thinking right there.  The most profound thing that's ever occurred to me in the middle of the night was to wonder whether it's possible to die from insomnia!

        My insomnia pattern used to be a cyclic one, whereby I'd be wakeful every night for a fortnight then just when I was feeling like a total walking zombie it'd resolve itself and I'd be able to sleep for a couple of weeks... ...before the pattern would repeat itself.
        For ages I'd meant to record whether the cycle coincided with my menstrual cycle, but I never got around to it.

        If you've read some of my previous blog posts you'll also know that I've a chronic health condition, too, and consequently suffer with continual fatigue.
        So when my insomnia became an almost permanent fixture I returned to my doctor (not for the first time) and was finally given some medication which helps me sleep some of the time (amitriptyline).
        So, for the moment, I've missed my opportunity to track any patterns in my insomnia, other than I know I sleep worse when I forget to take my dose on a given day.

        Don't get me wrong, here, too; I'd tried all the recommended 'sleep hygiene' things and some non-prescription sleep aids (both off the shelf and over the counter) for the insomnia prior to turning to prescription medication.

        I'm not really sure where to go from here with my physical and mental health.  I recently watched a TED talk about the importance of sleep for the immune system (among other things - pretty much everything, it seems).  And it mentioned how sleep induced via soporific medication is not the right kind of sleep for this beneficial and rejuvenating effect.

        So in view of the above, I should be looking to come off those tablets.  But recently I had to increase my dosage because the insomnia had returned despite my original dose.  So there's no way I can face coming off these meds, at least not now.

        On top of this, another thing I suffer with is restless legs syndrome.  This tends to mean that when I'm wakeful (for whatever reason), my RLS will usually kick in.  And then there's no getting to sleep, regardless of whether I can think of some way to combat the initial wakefulness-causing thing.

        Medical investigation wise, I imagine the next step would probably be a sleep clinic but I can't imagine suffering through that - I can't sleep with anything (sleep mask, pyjamas, my wedding ring - anything) on my body other than bed clothes, so there's no way I'd sleep with all electrodes strapped to me.

        I guess my plan of action will be to perfect that sleep hygiene and my 'bed time routine', get it down to a really fine art and then give it a period of time to really bed in (haha).
        Then when my unconscious mind really comes to associate all those actions with getting a good night's sleep, maybe I can taper my dosage.
        Perhaps then I'll be able to sleep like a normal person.

        I feel like it's going to be easier said than done though.

        There's not really any point to this blog post this time; except, perhaps, putting my plan of action 'out there' in hopes it'll maybe hold me --in some way-- to it.

         Not having blogged in the end about energy management issues with a chronic health condition for the letter E means I've not talked specifically about my health condition yet, so I'll start there - if uninterested, please skip down to the product reviews below (also, if any of my real life friends are reading you'll have heard this story already, so skip ahead to just after paragraph 7)*. 🞧

         Over a decade ago now, I went from a healthy individual to one who was tired all the time.  I used to work full time, walk everywhere it was possible to walk, run 20-25 miles a week and enter half marathons at least twice a year (considered entering the London marathon, too), I swam 45 lengths on a Friday, did an hours Tai Chi on a Wednesday, volunteered (something I've always done since I was an adolescent) at least four hours a week and had a social life.  Oh and I used to get my household cleaning out of the way on a Saturday morning & have the rest of the weekend to myself each week.

         Medical tests revealed I had an underactive thyroid.  I was prescribed thyroid medication for it and initially advised that I should be feeling better in about six months.  Six months on I'd had to give up all the exercises one activity at a time, and had taken a leave of absence from the volunteering.  I still wasn't feeling any better so I returned to the doctor and was told it can actually take up to a year to feel better, so I should give it another six months.

         A year after my diagnosis I'd given up the volunteering fully, too, and life consisted only of work, household cleaning and endeavouring to have that social life, still.  This time at the doctor I was told that, oh no it can actually take up to two years to feel better.  So give it another year.

         Two years on from that diagnosis I was still struggling with managing just my work and my home lives (my place distinctly becoming the disaster area it's remained ever since), and the social life was definitely in decline.  Optimistically I consulted the doc once again only to be told that if I still wasn't feeling any better then it must be because I was depressed.

         I took the anti-depressants they prescribed me for at least eighteen months before concluding they weren't making any difference and tapering my dose gradually to come off them.

         Ever since then I've mostly been on my own with regard to trying to manage my symptoms (there's a little more to it than that, but the above account is sufficient as a summary of my journey).  So I've tried all sorts in hopes of alleviating my difficulties.  I thought some of my findings might just be useful to others, hence this blog post.

↓↓↓

*In alphabetical order:

Earthing sheet
         Some algorithm started advertising this item to me, and I went off to do a bit of research & ultimately went for it.  This one was pricey, and there are cheaper ones, but this one had good testimonials plus they had the organic version available (at a discounted price of £89, at the time).
         Product description and testimonials both seemed to indicate this item's meant to be good for insomnia.  I can't really speak to that, because the sheet is not a fitted sheet and I'm a fidgeter in bed so the sheet came untucked and then wrinkled up & became uncomfortable (even when used under my existing fitted sheet) so I can't sleep while using it.  Instead I'm using it, for what it's worth, on the sofa in hopes I'll get some benefit from it that way.  So on the whole, I'm not sure I can recommend, unless you happen to be someone who sleeps really still.

EMS foot 'massager'
         I came across this item whilst shopping around for magnets (see below) and it wasn't too expensive (approximately £25) so I decided to go for it.  In use it reminds me of a TENS machine (of which I had small one, previously) - but without needing all the business with the sticky pads & gel, which is definitely a bonus.  The instructions say not to use it if you've certain conditions, such as DVTs, and this makes me nervous using it in case I've undiscovered DVTs!  But I feel I can recommend this item to those who are confident they're in otherwise good health (and providing you like the TENS-like sensation, which isn't really the same as an actual foot massage in all honestly).

Magnets, various - insoles, bracelet, earrings, stick on ones and toe rings
         I started with the insoles, which were inexpensive (£5 - £10) but had no noticeable effect - as insoles they were comfortable, though, and I figured they weren't doing me any harm.

         Next up was the bracelet which was given to me as a gift by a relative who's usually very good at their due diligence (and generally a pretty sceptical person).  This had no noticeable effect either, but then again I couldn't tighten it enough to have it directly next to my skin without it becoming too tight so that might be why.  It's a pretty bracelet, though, so I wear it daily when I'm going out anywhere, for what it's worth.

         Finally I bought the earrings (approx £8), stick on magnets (approx £6) and toe rings (approx £6, including P&P).  The earrings (which are meant to aid weight-loss, but we'll see) are a work in progress as they're kind of tight on my ears, so I'm having to build up a tolerance to wearing them for progressively longer periods.  They look pretty, but if you put on a set of headphones after then they'll quite likely be attracted to the headphones (at least that was my experience.

         The toe rings (also designed for weight-loss) are too loose on my toes and borderline too tight on my husband's!  The stick on magnets are the ones which have the only noticeable effect on me, which is to make me feel as though I've consumed too much caffeine!

         So the bottom line here is, I think the jury's still very much out on the magnets, currently.  I'll revisit sometime and add a comment, below, with the ultimate verdict on the magnets.

'Nodger'
         Used to massage the user''s own shoulder
         I bought this ridiculously named item after giving up trying to persuade my husband to massage my neck and shoulders - I love it!  It was inexpensive (under £20) and although it doesn't have multiple massage bits like many of the plastic versions, it meets my needs completely (and I'd wanted a wooden one as I'm trying to live as plastic-free as possible).
         An added bonus is that use of this item can often help prevent my restless legs syndrome from kicking in whilst trying to relax and watch TV - not from specific use on my legs, but by simply keeping my hands busy and my mind distracted, I think.  I highly recommend this item.

         Gadgets for allergies: light treatment gadget (for nostrils), tower fan with ionising function and an 'air purifier'/dust attract-er gadget and (oh, and then there's a Himalayan salt inhaler pipe)

         The light treatment gadget was, I feel, costly for what it is (I seem to recall in the region of about £30, though it was a while ago now) but I guess it helped a bit as I'd reach for it when my allergies were being quite intense and I'd already taken antihistamines & tried everything else.  However, sometimes it made me sneeze while in use, and latterly I've mislaid it somewhere about the place and haven't really missed it, until coming to write this blog.  I'd probably advise anyone to save their money, unless they were really desperate (as I was, when I bought this).

         The tower fan with ioniser, Bionaire brand - this I do recommend; I'd wanted a small fan at the time anyway, so it made sense to spend perhaps a bit more on this one (almost £35 - though I now note it's almost twice this much, at least on Amazon it is).  And I do feel that this does help to keep the allergens in my environment at bay.  It's no longer as quiet running as it was for the first few months after purchase, but I think that's going to be true of most fans (I've noted that I feel tower fans are noisier than desk fans, in general).  It's apparently an A for energy efficiency.  My only criticism is the power cable could do with being a little longer (though it's the standard length for most fans).  Oh, and I had to stick something over the lights on the control panel else the blue light was quite bright in the dark of the bedroom at night.

         The 'air purifier' was cheaper than most such items and with bloody good reason - it's actually a small (6in high) object, which as far as I can tell (though I'm admittedly not an electrical engineer) just attracts dust to it in the same way as all electrical items do, via static electricity.  No, that's actually not fair because it did attract more dust than even the TV does, so I guess it worked at keeping allergens for a part of the room isolated to its immediate area, rather than floating about.  It claims to emit ionised particles too, which (I'm also not a scientist) are meant to help with allergens.  I don't think I'd really recommend it too highly though, as it was quite costly for what it is - about £20 or so, I seem to recall.  And due to a lack of electrical sockets I packed it away a couple of years ago and I haven't missed it.  I think overall I'd say, save up your money a bit longer and buy a proper air purifier with HEPA filters in it.

         The Himalayan salt inhaler pipe - it may just be the placebo effect (which I'm a great believer in), but I do feel that this item does work at reducing my allergic reactions to dust.  It was pretty cheap, at £10, and I haven't had to refill it yet.  The only thing is, I was basically desperate when I purchased this and I didn't do any due diligence regards the ethics and sustainability (or otherwise) of Himalayan salt mining.

         SAD lamp, 'Mini Sun' brand.
         I'd wanted a SAD lamp for years and years, but they're mostly expensive and bulky.  This one was cheaper (around £40) and is much smaller.  I bought two, ultimately, so I could keep one at work for use there.  I'm pleased with it for my purposes, though it does bug my husband and work colleagues when I use it!  The disadvantage with it is that, being small, I feel I need to use it close to, which obviously necessitates being right beside it and means I can't be getting on with jobs around the place whilst benefiting from the lamp light.  I recommend this item (though as I write it appears to be no longer available on Amazon).  If you suffer with SAD, though, and can afford it I feel it would be worth trying to get a 'higher end' one.

         There have been other gadgets besides the above for trying to manage my daily living activities, such as a 'lumie' dawn-simulation lamp/alarm clock, a teasmade, an electric can opener and a shockingly loud wheeled alarm clock.  (And then there have been time saving gadgets for managing our home, such as a GTech cordless vacuum and a powerful handheld dustbuster.)  But the list above covers the ones which I specifically hoped would help my symptoms.

         I don't know whether I'll bother posting about those other gadgets mentioned in the previous paragraph (unless I get any requests).  But I feel certain there'll be a future post entitled Snake Oil, because I've also tried many, many supplements and complementary therapies in hopes of finding a miracle cure!  (Spoiler: there's no miracle cure that I've found to date!)  🐍

         Let me know in the comments if you've any gadgets which you recommend for helping with chronic health issues.
🞧

         PS In my last post I included some bonus tree photos, having mentioned that apparently looking at even pictures of these can help one's mental health, and I think I'm going to make this a regular feature of all my future blog posts:

         The short answer is that I didn't get along with cognitive behaviour therapy.

         There, that's it, blog written, time for feet up in front of the TV!  (Just kidding, obviously.)

         Now first off, despite having an interest in psychology I've never formally studied it - I'm not a doctor, I'm not a medical professional, I am not attempting to diagnose anyone (not even me -- self-diagnosis not a good idea) and all the usual other disclaimers.  I also do not have a diagnosis of emotional dysregulation disorder - instead I suffer with generalised anxiety (with a degree of depression, secondary to a chronic physical health condition, thrown in).  I do relate to some of the symptoms of the disorder, however.

         I read or otherwise learned about DBT somewhere which I now can't recall, as it was a while ago. And immediately that word dialectical attracted me for some reason best known to my subconscious.

         Actually it's possible I misread it as diabolical and thought it was amusing! (Just kidding. Kinda.)

         I'd attended a couple of sessions of CBT when I was younger (not long out of university).  And I can recall: Just. Not. Getting it.

         On a logical level I could understand well enough what was being asked of me in conversations such as the following:

         It's difficult to put into words, because it's kind of that when you're an anxiety sufferer you just feel anxious.  You feel anxious about things which other people take in their stride when you have generalised anxiety.  Someone can explain to you or painstakingly lead you yourself to admit aloud that, even if you were to stumble (or otherwise clutz everywhere), it's not going to physically be the cause of your death.  They can explain and expound that concept until they're blue in the face.

         I'm sure most of us sufferers do actually realise that's the case on a logical level.  But knowing that on the logical level doesn't make the anxiety being experienced by the lizard brain miraculously go away.  (At least, it didn't for me.)

         Don't get me wrong, I do realise that the above is very much an oversimplification and that therapy is a process; one isn't going to be 'cured' in just two sessions.  But I recall feeling such embarrassment in those therapy sessions, as though my perceptions of my daily stressors were being looked down upon or shamed.  And as a relative youngster embarrassment was most certainly not the kind of emotion which was going to encourage me to embrace or engage with any process.

         I tried to seek a simple unstructured talking therapy or humanistic counselling, but back then in my area there appeared to be no such thing available (ironically, later on when I was a bit more mature and felt I could actually engage with CBT finally, all that was on offer in my area by then was the simple humanistic talking therapy!)

         So, having had such a negative reaction to CBT (and being just a really contrary person on a base level -- my mother would tell you, I should've been named Mary!) perhaps my becoming interested in a thing named dialectical behaviour therapy was a natural outcome.

         I think DBT appealed to me when I heard about it because, a bit like Emotional Freedom Technique, you're "allowed" to focus on the negative thing you're experiencing as a part of the process.  With EFT, the first two steps of the process are to identify and focus on the issue which one's experiencing.  My brain can't help but ruminate on the issue, so it's nice when it's "allowed" (at least at the outset).

         With DBT, the basic idea (in a very brief nutshell) is that two things can be true at once -- so at the same time there's anxiety and things suck, but with DBT techniques one can cope better with the anxiety and the sucking.

         Although I'm being a bit flippant here for levity, I did ponder the merits of DBT for a while and concluded that I wished it were available where I live (though it wasn't a strong enough wish to seek out a private practitioner, since making finances stretch that far would have been very difficult, and (ha!) stress inducing).

         I also read that the developer of DBT, Dr. Linehan, approaches her work from an approach based in spirituality, and there are aspects of Zen which have therefore come through into the DBT approach. So this was another reason for it to appeal to me.

         On the other hand, from what I've read latterly a large part of DBT involves regular group sessions.  Whilst I'm not at all opposed to group therapy, I've run up against this particular obstacle -of attendance being required- before and it's actually pretty prohibitive for me, in my circumstances.

         For example, I was offered a place at the chronic fatigue clinic (which was pretty exceptional, since you're only offered a place if you have a diagnosis of CFS and I don't actually have such a diagnosis). And I had to turn down the place since it involved weekly group sessions on weekday mornings.  I asked if there were places available on a weekend or evening session so I could fit my attendance around work (since I do somehow manage to work full time despite the fatigue).  But I was advised that their patients don't have the energy to attend sessions in evenings or on weekends.  And I get that...
         ...but for me, this would therefore have meant: taking time off work, travelling to and participating in the group session and then heading from there to work for the rest of the day.  Plus making up the time taken off work, at a later date (or else using my annual leave allocation to attend the clinic sessions instead of for R&R).  So, it was prohibitive for me.

         And so I know that I'd find the group sessions involved with DBT prohibitive too, even if it were available where I live (which it isn't, so far as I can ascertain -- at least not on the NHS, anyway).  I'm aware there are various other types of therapy in existence, but I'm also aware that there's only limited NHS provision in my area and so far as I know it's CBT or nothing.

         So for now it'll be neither CBT nor DBT (nor any other type of T); I'll be endeavouring to explore the world of emotional intelligence and healing independently (with the help of some of those apps I blogged about in my #4 post).  And I might just look into TAT (Tapas Acupressure Technique) before too long, too.  There may then be a blog post for that later in the alphabet if so, so watch this space.

Resources

Websites

•       https://behavioraltech.org/about-us/founded-by-marsha/ - developer of DBT

•       NHS.uk

•       Mental Health Foundation

•       Mind

•       Samaritans

Journal article(s)/specific webpages

•       https://www.heretohelp.bc.ca/q-and-a/whats-the-difference-between-cbt-and-dbt

•       The Course and Evolution of Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (American Journal of Psychotherapy)

•       Mind DBT section

•       Psychology Today item

        This time: a list of (android) apps I've found useful for spirituality and self care, with mini-reviews.

My top picks:-

1) The Tapping Solution 💚

The Tapping Solution LLP

'Guided Tapping Meditations'

        I love this app, it's just what I'd been looking for. It's free to download with a range of free meditations available. The full paid version is rather pricey, but I purchased it as there was a special half price offer on at the time (I'm pretty unlikely to renew it next year, however, due to the costly price tag so after that it'll be back to the free version).  You do, as you'd imagine, get quite a bit more content as a paid up subscriber but I seem to recall that the free content was pretty good, too.

        The app literally guides you through whichever tapping (Emotional Freedom Technique) meditation you select. It works especially well for me as my mind can wander uncontrollably with attempted solo meditation, and what I believe to be probable undiagnosed dyspraxia makes it difficult for me to learn and recall the sequence of EFT tapping without the app to follow along with.        

        I find the act of tapping, rather than just mindfulness or meditation, very useful to keep me focused on taking the time out for this self-care activity, and I also find it extremely helpful for those occasions when I'm excessively 'keyed up' and feel I wouldn't be able to sit still for other forms of relaxation or meditation. 

        There's a section in the app where you can read about the science behind EFT.

        The user interface is fairly simple and very easy to use.  I get the occasional 'crash' of the app, but nothing too frustrating.

        I've been recommending this app to everyone who'll listen!

The Tapping Solution website

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

2) Feeling Good: positive mindset 🌱

Feeling Good app

Positive Rewards

'Lifting mood, creating calm & positive vision'

Audios for stress and depression

        I like this app, as it has a cute logo of a blue sky with the sun shining and represents progress with imagery such as tufts of grass and a tree in leaf. And it's free, though there is a paid version you can purchase to access more content.

        Also, it's developed in collaboration with doctors & psychologists.

        The first meditation is a simple three minute mindfulness which begins and ends with what I imagine to be a single tone from a Tibetan singing bowl, which I like. It helps put me right in the most suitable frame of mind.

        I also appreciate that this app is really simple, there's not tonnes of different sections or tabs to scroll or click around, you just open the app and do what you've set out to do.

        The mini-review ends here, because I've yet to progress to the next meditation and the rest of the content, but I'm hopeful I'll get on with it just as well, and thoroughly enjoy seeing my tree in full leaf.

About the Feeling Good app

⭐⭐⭐⭐

        Other apps I've tried (in alphabetical order):-

Calm - Meditate, Sleep, Relax ➰

Calm.com, Inc.

'Join millions discovering the life-changing benefits of meditation with Calm'

        This one had been recommended in numerous places so I gave it a try but I've got to be honest I uninstalled it fairly soon.

        There's a selection of meditations, music, sleep stories, nature sounds and possibly other stuff.  So, lots.  But much of it is locked to the free user and I wasn't confident enough that it was what I was looking for to buy the paid version.  Roaming around the app trying to find the free content was tedious and to be honest I think there was actually too much stuff in this app for me generally; I think I'm someone who prefers a fairly simple user interface and fairly focused app.  If I want nature sounds I'll go to Mynoise.net.  I don't need an app that does all these different things.

        But if you do like a packed, multi function app or having lots of things all in one place then you may enjoy Calm.

⭐⭐½

Headspace: Meditation & Sleep 💭

Headspace for Meditation, Mindfulness and Sleep

'Just a few minutes can change your day'

        This is another one I'd seen recommended in numerous places so I gave it a try too.

        I found it a similar story with this app as with Calm.  The layout was a little better for me than Calm, slightly simpler and with free content nice and obvious at the beginning of sections. Some slightly different features too, such as the ability to add 'buddies'. But overall, it was still a little too full and as mentioned I tend to prefer something simpler, with less to navigate.

        It almost certainly comes down to personal preference, and of the apps I've listed I can see a definite trend that the simpler ones work best for me, I can focus in on what I want to get out of it, not spend ages scrolling around.

        But with Headspace there is nevertheless some free content so it almost certainly can't hurt most folks to give it a try and uninstall it again if it's not for you.

        Ultimately, I uninstalled this app along with Calm, so I guess that's the bottom line of my review - not useful enough for me personally to incentivise keeping downloaded.

⭐⭐⭐

Insight Timer - Free Meditation App ⏲

Insight Network

'The most popular app in the world for Meditation, Sleep, Anxiety and Mindfulness'

        A further app I'd seen recommended and gave a try.  I found it similar to both Calm and Headspace, but with a slightly better layout/user interface than either, for me - so a slightly higher rating.

        There is a similar bunch of content available as with Headspace and Calm, but for me it was easier to navigate.  Content ranged from a simple timer for your own meditations to the usual sorts of guided meditations and 'coaching' in a range of stress relieving techniques.

        I liked that there's a link for you to compare the free and premium content right there in the app when you open it up.  As with the previous two apps, though, I wasn't going to invest in it until I'd tried out the free version.

        Ultimately this was another one which I uninstalled after a while, so once again, I guess not useful enough for me personally to keep it on my phone, but I feel I can recommend it - if someone were seeking opinions, I'd suggest that this be one of their first choices to try out, ahead of the above two.

⭐⭐⭐½

Let's Meditate: Sleep & Guided Meditation 🧘

Heal Me Team

'Powerful app for Guided Meditation'

        A fairly simple app containing a selection of meditations of differing lengths and with different areas of focus.

        It was free to download, and I seem to recall that it was usable offline which was a distinct advantage for me as it meant it was possible to use it during train travel.

        If you're looking for something, again, fairly simple and easy to navigate without lots of extraneous features or difficult to fathom settings this may be the meditation app for you.

        I personally tired of it after a little while, only because I was looking for something a bit more (but not in terms of complexity of the app - I very much liked the simplicity of this app, but the content just didn't really resonate with me).

⭐⭐⭐

Sleep Cycle: Sleep analysis & Smart alarm clock 💤

Sleep Cycle AB

'Want to sleep better? Let Sleep Cycle coach you.'

        I read about this app and decided, as a long time insomnia sufferer, that it sounded well worth a try.

        The app claims to use your movement overnight to track how well you're sleeping.  It also has a feature promising to wake you during a period of lighter sleep, enabling you to wake feeling more alert.

        I can't really write a full review, unfortunately, as I felt I had to uninstall it after only a few nights.  This was because the instructions say to place your phone on the corner of your bed, plugged into a mains charger overnight.  It was the combination of having the phone physically there, and the fact it gets pretty warm charging overnight (and because we only have a standard sized double bed, my phone would be under my pillow, creating additional heat & fire risk) - I just couldn't relax enough to sleep.  So it obviously didn't help me.

        Perhaps if you're lucky enough to have a super king bed with room to position your phone you might benefit from this app.

⭐⭐½

Water Reminder - Remind drink water 💧

recorder and smart apps

'Reminds you to drink water' 

        A good app if you're in need of this sort of a reminder, and it was free to download.  I had it installed for the first six weeks or so of the coronavirus lockdown of 2020, as the change in routine had disrupted my usual habits and I found that I needed the reminder, at least temporarily.

        It asks you for a few details such as gender and weight to calculate how much water it thinks you should be drinking. And it's customisable in terms of your wake up and regular bedtimes, and the size of the glass/cup you're using for your water.

        I didn't find the tips contained in the app helpful, but I'd downloaded it purely for the reminder so I just ignored them.

⭐⭐⭐

👎 The wooden spoon goes to: Self Care (ironically!)

        Someone mentioned the app Self Care to me and I downloaded it, it appeared to be free so I thought worth a try.  But I couldn't even work out how to navigate around or get it to do anything so I almost immediately uninstalled it (of course I may have been missing something which might've become clear if I'd persevered, but frustration is most certainly not what I'm looking for in an app)

Bonus section: "brain training" 🧠 apps I've tried:-

Elevate

Elevate Labs

'Sharpen mental skills with 35+ games'.

Lumosity: Brain Training

'Lumosity is the world's most popular brain training program'.

I've been using Lumosity for years & years, via the website before there were smart phones!

www.lumosity.com

NeuroNation

'Brain Trainer + Memory Training & Brain Teasers to improve Focus, Logic, Memory'

        The above brain training apps are all in a very similar vein - if you like one, you'll probably like the others.  The above will all have been free downloads (I'm a tightwad!)  I'm afraid I'm very inconsistent with them, so I can't really vouch for whether they actually work!

        🎵 Finally, I just want to give a special mention (again, as it is mentioned above - the eagle eyed may have spotted it) to the MyNoise website.  It's just an awesome website.  There is an app by the same content creator, but I can't review it as I've not tried it - I've not needed to, the website is everything I need.  I really can't recommend it highly enough.              ☆☆☆☆☆

        🗨️ Let me know in the comments if you've a favourite app (or apps) for spirituality &/or self care. 🗨️